First off, I had several comments here and otherwise from ladies asking for more info on the bible study I'm starting. I've only done the first section, so if it stinks I wouldn't know yet, but here's the info:

"Homemaking", Nurturing your family in todays world.
by Tjitske Lemstra and Baukje Doornenbal (Tjitske is from Holland and Baukje is from the Netherlands)
Navpress is the publisher, www.navpress.com

I ordered it, probably from the publisher along with several other studies, a few years ago. I just keep things like that on hand for the times I haven't been participating in the one at church.

An overview of the study would be that it is about encouraging women to A) Recognize why her role in the home IS IMPORTANT, and that it is important to God
B)To help women reconnect with their inner selves, and personality, after the feeling of be "lost" in her role as homemaker. If anyone chooses to to it to we could always have a get together when we are done to share what we learned, etc. Otherwise, I hope this is helpful info.

So, as for today, Tuesday March 30, I didn't want to get out of bed. Something today has me so bound up and anxious. I have a meeting with a healthcare advocate who may be able to get us the healthcare we need, especially for Aiden, but obviuosly for us as a family. All the changes in the system are so confusing to me right now. I realize that on the whole, the Christian community is very upset with the bill that was passed, and that it requires all to have healthcare, therefore taking away our right to choose.
BUT (and please don't be angry, I'm just being honest) after all the medical issues we have had to deal with this past year, and running out of money to give our children the care that they need, I maybe a little hopeful. I'm hoping that the changes will make it possible for families like ours, who aren't poor enough for medicaid, but not rich enough for the $400 per month healthcare offered through Bryan's work, to recieve healthcare we can afford. We shouldn't have to choose between putting food on the table and being able to go to the doctor. The amount of money the hospital was allowed to charge us ON TOP of what our insurance was paying was cripling us, and could have cost us our place to live. For years Bryan and I have marveled at how the health care in other countries is FREE to tax paying citizens! I don't think this damages their constitutional rights. In fact as a member of this coutry its something that I always though should kinda be "included". I realize that the people who have more will have to pay more, and that they worked really hard to get to where they are, and that it's not "fair" that they should have to pay for some family of a guy who didn't go to college or whatever. But look here, when there are people, children, babies, and grandparents who are suffering and you never even tried to help, even though you worked really hard for the money you have, God is still gonna ask you "why?" when you get to heaven, and you won't be able to hide behind that cash when you get there. It's a sad day when the goevernment has to force it's people to share something like healthcare. It's not a want, it's a need.
Ok, I know that may be all ignorance, assumption, and left-wingedism (which I am not). But in the light of this meeting I am having today, I can't help turning it over in my mind over and over. I am always against more "laws", we don't need them and they take away from the rights of the majority, etc etc. BUT isn't healthcare something that should have already been protected in our basic rights a long time ago? TAKE THE CONTROL AWAY FROM THE INSURANCE COMPANIES AND THE PHARMESUTICAL COMPANIES. Does our advancment in technology go down, maybe, but we'll all die someday no matter what. Do I think that too much technology takes away from our true quality of life, yes I do. The system is defective and must be changed, and it's going to hurt. But the power was already in the wrong hands. So, my solution is to pray that over the years and years it will take for real change to happen in this arena, that the change will be to benefit even "the least of us". Jesus would have wnated that drug addict to have healthcare.

The Skinny on being Fat

Hello there, blogger friends. Over the past couple years that I have had this blog I have been trying to define in my mind what this blog is about. When it all gets laid out on the table, I'd say it's pretty eclectic. I have my blog that is strictly for "writing", bu this one is always just about whatever is going on in my life at the time. I also go through phases where I don't want to write at all. Or times when I continually revisit the same issues over, and over, and over (sorry).
So today I'm in to mood to revisit one of those old issues, along with any new epiphanies I have had on the subject.
As a female, I have had weight and health issues for as long as I can remember. In high school I didn't work out, I just accepted myself the way I was even though I wasn't perfect. Since then there has been college, marriage, babies, and all kinds of other issues. Most of you probably realize that I'm mentioning all these things because they often affect a person's physical well being. I have gained weight, and I have lost it. I have been happy, and I have been depressed.
This time last year I was on the fast track to great health. By summer I was in the best shape I had been in for years. I actually went out and bought a bathing suit. Then came: medications, vacations, holidays, birthdays; and the weight returned. Somehow the exercise and healthy eating that had made me feel so fantastic and energetic fell by the wayside. I could have gotten back on the band wagon pretty easily until we decided to home school. Once all the kids were home with me all day, I started getting depressed (another battle I have been fighting off and on for years). I just lost myself so easily. "I" became teacher, snot rag, kitchen slave. How I looked and felt DIDN'T MATTER to anyone else, so of course it stopped mattering to me. Once I realized what had happened, it was too late.

"Where am I? I don't want to fell this way! How can I get back what I was just a few short months ago?"

I stared to slip into that sad place of self loathing and indifference. I kept thinking, "If I don't like how I look right now, then why don't I feel really inspired to change?" And weeks went by, and my frustration grew. I couldn't get motivated, I wanted too so badly. I wanted to find the determination and motivation that came so easily just less than a year ago.But every time I couldn't find it in myself to change I got more and more sad, which equaled more and more food. "Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, ACK!"
Then it dawned on me just a few days ago, I couldn't get motivated because I didn't like myself. I couldn't see the potential in myself. Why would I make sacrifices when it all seemed so futile?
So I did what any over thinking, analytical, introvert would do; I went to the library website to order about 10 books on health, fitness, diabetes, sugar, etc, with some cookbooks and work out DVDs thrown in for fun. (Remember, I would live at the library if I could)
So, for part II of the realization that didn't occur until after an very extended trip to the library: The Body Spirit Connection. I haven't been doing my bible study in almost 2 months!! I have dried up. I had been trying to figure out, aside from the things going on in my home, why I had been so down on myself. In fact, I was wondering why I was thinking about myself so much in the first place! That's actually kind of unlike me, I mean to be so self-obsessed and down right vain! When I was in good health I didn't really spend much time gazing in the mirror, or pondering how to make myself "happier". I exercised AND spent time with God everyday. I didn't need to second guess myself, and whether I was "good enough" for other people. I had such clarity in all areas of my life. So, this is the part where I go on a hunt for a devotional. I think I have decided to do one that I happened to already have on hand that is written to encourage "Homemakers". It just sounded wholesome, nutritious, and appealing; like comfort food!
So this is where I am today. One step at a time. I have given the fridge and pantry a little make-over, and I am ready to start fresh. This week is spring break, so I can be sure to have plenty of time for the things I NEED to do for me, with out worrying about home school and schedules. I think it will also help me to get out and about to do some quality things with the kids instead of hiding in my house.

Here is my list of goals for this week. I hope you are inspired to make some positive goals for yourself too.:
1) Spend time reading the bible, praying, or doing a devotional every day
2) Try some new recipes that are blood sugar conscious and healthy, but creative and tasty
3)Treat myself like I am worth it. Spend time doing thins like painting my nails, keeping those legs shaved, etc.
4)getting some exercise. I already know what works for me so I don't need to spend time hunting around. I hope to work out 3 days this week and do something "active like taking a walk outside on the other days.
5) Because I know what my triggers are and how to loose weight for my body type I tend to loose quickly when I follow the rules. 5lbs is a pretty realistic goal for me between today (Saturday) and Friday.

I want to get in shape because I'm so tired of being a "Debbie Downer". I want to be cheerful, and laugh , and enjoy my life, because I have so much to be thankful for. Spending time feeling sad for myself and allowing myself to wallow in cookies and sadness is a waste.

And thank you to Jillian Michaels, Jenny McCarthy, and C.S. Lewis for being the voice of wisdom and inspiration as you always are to me ;)

Here it comes. Tomorrow is our first IEP meeting with the school since taking Aiden out, back in January. They have stopped pressuring me to bring him back immidiately once they did some testing and saw how much he had improved at home. I think they look at me and think "young, impetuous, pierced up mom. probly ignorant too." So I have actually made some efforts to dispell those negative assumptions. We're getting there.
So here is the part where I'm really torn. To keep Aiden home full time or put him back as a kindergardener. He tested well above all the kindergarden expectations, which sets him up for accademic success next year as a first grader. He is also closer to the maturity level of kindergarden. It would be good practice and help him get "into the swing" of things again. BUT there is a part of me that will never entirely trust the schools with the education of any of my children. I will always want it to be to my specs, or not at all. Aiden would benefit from the professional help, and social time of being in school at least part-time. BUT he is doing pretty well for now with the learning style he gets at home. I also appreciate that he isn't being exposed to outside influences and bullying. BUT there is a chance that being one of the older and mare advanced kids in the class would minimalize some of this.
I could go on. The debate in my mind is seemingly endless. No perfect solution. And the truth, when I'm being open and honest, it that I can't go on with full time homeschool forever. I have drained all of my personal time and energy to benefit ONE of my three children. There are days when I think about the quality of "preschool" education the babies are getting and I feel so frustrated. They deserve the same advantages Aiden had when he was little. They still REALLY need me.
So there it is. Where love and compassion meet the limits of energy and the physical body.

Happy 5th Birthday ~Nolan Michael~

I love him more

I was having a good day today. I was having a good day until a few minutes ago, when an "aidenesque" autistic meltdown began. The crying, strange body movements, and strange rationale. All of this over "paper". As soon as I put the lined paper, even though it was the textured kind that is better for sensory issues and hand control, he glazed over. It was some kind of overload for him that my mind can't understand. At first I was trying to sympathize, but he just wasn't meeting me halfway. Was it because he knew his school work was almost done for the day and he lost ability for self control? Was it the amount of lines on the paper or the daunting task of putting words on all the lines? WHAT THE HECK?!!! Tears people. His pet frog didn't die. No one said anything mean to him. He didn't fall down and get hurt. Now he's just sitting there, all floppy, dark circles under his eyes, staring at nothing. Occasionally he writhes around in his chair, but always with a strange posture and mannerisms.
Did you know that he didn't used to be like "this"? He was soooo smart. So focused. When he was one and a half he could do simple math, draw shapes and identify colors and numbers one to ten. Then when he was about two and a half the tantrums came. Then he couldn't remember things. Everything he did before stopped and his warm cuddly disposition vanished, and along came mood swings and vacant expressions. Why? I'm not sure. Do I think he was autistic when he was born, yes.
So here I am. I'm exhausted. My other kids want my attention and my smiles.
Homeschool has been going well, however I still don't view it as a permanent situation. I have been talking with the school about renewing his IEP. I will be going in next week to work on that. We are going to slowly re-introduce him to the regular classroom setting. First by going back for his OT and other therapy. Then for music and P.E. Then sometime next year he will be back in his classroom.
All the way up until recently I didn't think I would want to put him back in anytime soon. Then I started noticing the way this was affecting the babies. Then I really took inventory of my life. I don't want to blame things on homeschool, because I still think it has been the right choice. BUT, since homeschool I have lost ALL my personal time and time to do things with the babies while they are still little, the same things Aiden already got to do on his own when he was at home and an only child.
I don't know what his future holds. I pray regularly that God would inspire him, and provide opportunities and resources for him. We can't afford to give him all the things we want to, but we can't do that for our other kids either. What we can give them is a stable home, contentment, and love.
Love. He's sitting down there in his worst state. When he gets this way it is repellent. But here I am up here worrying about him, loving him, loving the sweet little person he can be and always is inside somewhere. God made him very unique, and I appreciate the beauty in that. A rare art that comes deep from the dark places of the soul.
I grieve the loss of the child I thought I had, I learn to live with the son I do have, and I await what's going to happen next. Nothing is the way we think it is, we can't possibly anticipate God's plans, they're too big and complex.
Now I am sitting here upstairs. I eventually left him there, a steaming mess on the kitchen floor. He couldn't hear anything I was saying and his ability to process things outside his own mind was shot. So I left him there, he needed the space.
So as I am finishing this blog he walked into the room rather proudly with his paper in his hand. I could already tell he was returning to a more neutral state. He had managed about two sentences, a HUGE feet of strength for those two sentences. I think it proves there was a battle between his body, brain, and spirit. Spirit seems to have won today.

I have been opening up blogger and trying to put something into this space for a week. I just can't! My mind is blank. Nothing. I'm pretty sure it is some kind of coping mechanism. For the first time in years my life is not in an upheaval. Everything is fairly peaceful and quiet (not literally, I mean things are going well). So instead of getting really depressive, trapped in my own thoughts, or crazy and rebellious, I just can't get in touch with the feelings department.
It really stinks, because that sad and mournful side of me is also passionate, motivated, and creative. This used to be the best time of year (around Nolan's birthday) to get things done. Now... nothing. I suppose it's healthy to be in a nice "normal" place, but I don't like it. I miss the way I used to see things, and how everything around me changes.
The weather has been nice, and that makes me cheerful ("blech!"), and we keep taking all these lovely family getaways. I feel just peachy, darnit.
So, my writing has stalled, I can't get into a book, I can't seem to loose the winter weight, and I'm just blah! Blah blah blah!