I love him more

I was having a good day today. I was having a good day until a few minutes ago, when an "aidenesque" autistic meltdown began. The crying, strange body movements, and strange rationale. All of this over "paper". As soon as I put the lined paper, even though it was the textured kind that is better for sensory issues and hand control, he glazed over. It was some kind of overload for him that my mind can't understand. At first I was trying to sympathize, but he just wasn't meeting me halfway. Was it because he knew his school work was almost done for the day and he lost ability for self control? Was it the amount of lines on the paper or the daunting task of putting words on all the lines? WHAT THE HECK?!!! Tears people. His pet frog didn't die. No one said anything mean to him. He didn't fall down and get hurt. Now he's just sitting there, all floppy, dark circles under his eyes, staring at nothing. Occasionally he writhes around in his chair, but always with a strange posture and mannerisms.
Did you know that he didn't used to be like "this"? He was soooo smart. So focused. When he was one and a half he could do simple math, draw shapes and identify colors and numbers one to ten. Then when he was about two and a half the tantrums came. Then he couldn't remember things. Everything he did before stopped and his warm cuddly disposition vanished, and along came mood swings and vacant expressions. Why? I'm not sure. Do I think he was autistic when he was born, yes.
So here I am. I'm exhausted. My other kids want my attention and my smiles.
Homeschool has been going well, however I still don't view it as a permanent situation. I have been talking with the school about renewing his IEP. I will be going in next week to work on that. We are going to slowly re-introduce him to the regular classroom setting. First by going back for his OT and other therapy. Then for music and P.E. Then sometime next year he will be back in his classroom.
All the way up until recently I didn't think I would want to put him back in anytime soon. Then I started noticing the way this was affecting the babies. Then I really took inventory of my life. I don't want to blame things on homeschool, because I still think it has been the right choice. BUT, since homeschool I have lost ALL my personal time and time to do things with the babies while they are still little, the same things Aiden already got to do on his own when he was at home and an only child.
I don't know what his future holds. I pray regularly that God would inspire him, and provide opportunities and resources for him. We can't afford to give him all the things we want to, but we can't do that for our other kids either. What we can give them is a stable home, contentment, and love.
Love. He's sitting down there in his worst state. When he gets this way it is repellent. But here I am up here worrying about him, loving him, loving the sweet little person he can be and always is inside somewhere. God made him very unique, and I appreciate the beauty in that. A rare art that comes deep from the dark places of the soul.
I grieve the loss of the child I thought I had, I learn to live with the son I do have, and I await what's going to happen next. Nothing is the way we think it is, we can't possibly anticipate God's plans, they're too big and complex.
Now I am sitting here upstairs. I eventually left him there, a steaming mess on the kitchen floor. He couldn't hear anything I was saying and his ability to process things outside his own mind was shot. So I left him there, he needed the space.
So as I am finishing this blog he walked into the room rather proudly with his paper in his hand. I could already tell he was returning to a more neutral state. He had managed about two sentences, a HUGE feet of strength for those two sentences. I think it proves there was a battle between his body, brain, and spirit. Spirit seems to have won today.