It has been a while since I posted a really honest, upfront, no nonsense blog. I have had something on my mind, probably because Bryan is out of town. Some of you may relate to this and some may be fortunate enough not to relate at all.(and mom, I'm not depressed or sad I'm just being open)
It has literally been years since I have had a friend (female, not my husband) who I felt I could call anytime, for no reason, or when I need to vent. I don't have a "bestie".
I know some women who are so blessed with a group of women they can depend on. That just hasn't happened to me. I'm sure there is also something about me that makes me a little unapproachable to some people. Not sure. And I don't have the time and energy to cultivate some of my existing relationships, I want them to just develop naturally.
A few years ago I was meeting with a mentor of mine and we were talking about stress, marriage, life etc. She began encouraging me to pray for some relationships. Maybe not bosom buddies, but something stronger than acquaintances. Still praying.
There are times I am so wrapped up in my own mind and my own family that I don't even notice the lack of friendships.
LATELY, I have been having issues with my commitments and how I am spending my time and energy. I have given a lot of myself all over the place, and have tried to be a real servant to those around me. After I completely wore myself out (and had a week of alone time) I realized that my frustration was really how my efforts weren't producing one of the things I had been unknowingly seeking. Not bringing me any closer to anyone around me. Why?
So here's a little disclaimer to this (don't leave me notes about this part):
I know that I am an extremely "complicated" person. I use words that are too big ("Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say "infinitely" when you mean "very"; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite. -C.S.Lewis) And I'm probably a know it all... yeah definatly. So the point is I'm not blaming this whole issue on God, or people, or circumstances, yes some of it is me.
Anyway, so what is it about women as they get older (and more territorial) that we struggle so much to develop healthy friendships with other women? It was so easy when I was young. I had "best friends" all over the place that fizzled and faded away. And now... ?
I have friends that I love, talk to weekly-ish, chat with, and so on; no life long friends. Does anyone even know me? Do I really know my friends?
And when we reach these complicated years of life, when we are raising precious children, trying to have successful marriages, and attempting to keep our identities, isn't this a time when having strong friendships would be so incredibly HELPFUL?
Anyway, yes, I said this was going to be honest. God is all we need, but he also created humans to want friendship and connectedness (is that a word?).
7 comments:
love you and your honesty and your complicatedness!!!
So true that through high school and college deep friendships were so much easier to spend time developing-now this season of motherhood it just doesn't happen in the same way. I would venture to say that often you "think" others have this when in reality many of them feel the same way you do.
It is hard we can spread ourself so thin and try to be all and do all and end up being empty and more lonely. Elizabeth Elliot wrote "the path of loneliness" and it talks about just what you are saying and how for some reason we are to take this loneliness and make it a sacrifice to God-she says it far better and clearer, but it really helped me after college when I moved back home and had to "grow up".
Keep writing mandi!!
by the way I shredded-course I also ate three gingersnaps and pancakes for dinner, but I did shred!!!
First of all, you want to talk about issues, I'm eating a bowl of ice cream as I read this. =)
I too am "complicated." Most people, women, don't *get* me. It has been far longer for me since I've had a "bestie" which is part of my "complicatedness." I don't think I've had a bestie since middle school; life just got to complicated.
Now I crave that, but like you, with family obligations and responsibilities, I don't have the time to put into women relationships.
It is definitely....complicated.
I totally get this... I feel it too. What is the deal?! All I know is that it makes me miss the prebaby days and the prebaby friendships!
Mandi, I have to agree with exactly what Sarah said - having little ones definitely affects our ability to develop those deeper relationships...and I think we are also looking for different things in friendships than we did before kids. And know that it IS a season, things do change as your kids get older and are in school and you have a bit more time on your hands.
What I do think is that because things have changed so much, we have to be intentional about developing relationships, we can't just sit and wait for someone to come along and say, hey let's have coffee or whatever, we have to put ourselves out there. I think that's the hardest thing for me to do but I think so many other women are in the same boat that someone has to jump out and swim! :) I don't have that BFF that I grew up with and are inseperable, but God put 5 amazing and very different women in my life and I am so blessed by them - we often go several weeks without talking to or seeing each other, but I know they would drop everything to stand for me if I needed them. So maybe sometimes we have a description of what we're looking for that needs to be tweaked a bit and we will find that we have some deeper relationships right in front of us that just need us to jump out of the boat, so to speak.
Just my two cents. ;)
And that said, I too love your honesty in this area and so many others!
Wow, you have wonderful friends here Mandy. You have completely identified my frustrations. I have one awesome friend that I talk with several times a week. She doesn't have kids either. I have never had that. I've never had a bossom buddy. I've had friends that come and go and non that really related to me. I'm very unaproachable. One lady even told me that when she first met me she thought I was mean. (of course this is a woman who is living a very sinful life and was attending church at the time.) I couldn't understand why she thought I was mean until someone said I was too honest with them. I have a tendency to go to scripture with people and some people don't really like that. My husband and I didn't even like each other when we met.
So, I am with you on this. I would love to have friends that want to get together with their kids even to play. I have never had a play date. My kids have only each other for friends. I have actually cried over this many times.
But, I am so very thankful for my kids and that they have one another. I'm also thankful for my husband who is my bestfriend. And I'm thankful for my friend Liz who has become a dear friend in Christ. I love the Lord and I've never had a more deeper friendship that I have with Him. Hang in there and keep praying. God is good and will answer in His time.
I have to say after having you call me at midnight "just to talk" while you wait for Bryan to get home, I feel mighty special reading this blog! Love you Babe!
Oh and Just so you know, I consider you one of my "besties"!
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