Grief Help

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. -CS Lewis

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.-Albus Dumbledore

"my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you." -Psalm 88:9

In light of the several families who have lost their loved little babies this week I decided it may be helpful to some of you if I post some information on how to support, encourage, or just speak with a person who is grieving the loss of a baby. Often the things we think are going to be helpful to say or do are really not. If you have never experienced a similar loss it is probably hard for you to even imagine what the mother is going through. I can't include all the information I would like to, but here is a little and I hope it is helpful.

Here is a list of things people often say but probably shouldn't:

- "I know how you feel." (even if you have experienced a similar loss, only she knew her baby and therefore this is not a helpful statement)

- "How are you doing?" (this question is too complicated to answer)

-"You can always have other babies"/ "You can always try again." (she wants the baby she lost, not other babies. The idea of trying again can make her feel like the world sees her baby as replaceable or insignificant)

- "It was God's plan."/ "It's all in Gods control." (although this statement may at time be comforting to some, often it can invoke feelings of anger and doesn't help the situation to make any more sense)

- "Was there something you did while you were pregnant...?"/ "Was there something that could have been done to prevent this?" (it may seem impossible that there are people stupid enough out there to say this, but it was said to me many times and NONE of those people are my friends anymore)


Now here is a list of tips on how you can approach this person in conversation that can allow them to open up IF THEY WANT TO, and also show your concern in an appropriate way:

- "It hurts to see you go through this, please let me know if there is a way I can be helpful" (acknowledge that it is their experience you are feeling bad for, it's not about you)

- "If you ever want to talk to someone I would love to hear more about *baby's name*
(lets them know you are comfortable talking about the baby and recognize him/her as a real person)

- On a similar note, when you are talking to that person about their baby be sure to use the baby's name, it validates he/she as a person and member of the family. Over time the mother will have less and less chances to use their babies name out loud and down the road continuing to ask about the baby by name will give mom chances to use the precious word out loud.

- Just wait. You can't force mom to move forward.

-If you aren't sure what to say DON'T say anything, or a simple "I have been thinking about you" is appropriate.

-Admit when you don't know what to say or do. When you act over confident the mother may think you are underestimating her pain and that you are insensitive.

-Mark the baby's birthday (and loss day if the same) on the calendar now while you know for sure what it is. That way when the 6month and one year anniversary comes around you will not forget to send a card or do something to recognize that day for the mother. It will mean a lot to her to know that you haven't forgotten her child, and give her opportunities to talk about it.

-Cards are always a wonderful idea. Don't call or drop by unless the family has openly expressed that they want people around.

-Freezer meals are also a great thing.

- If you can offer to take the other children at your house as often as you can, maybe setting up a set day every week. There will be times that the mom wants her children near, but times when it may feel like she really needs to fall apart for a little while and needs to know they are somewhere having fun. This may be something she needs for many months.

-Pray for them, don't just say that you'll pray for them.

Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind. C. S. Lewis

"While the child was alive," he said, "I fasted and wept, thinking God might have mercy on me and the child would live. But now that he's dead, why fast? Can I bring him back now? I can go to him, but he can't come to me." -2Samuel 12:23 (the Message)

"Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:4

Death is no more than passing from one room into another. But there's a difference for me, you know. Because in that other room I shall be able to see. -Helen Keller