On E

I am so happy that Ladies Bible Study is starting today. (9:30am at Bethany Baptist Church, Puyallup) I have been feeling a little depressed and dried up for a couple weeks. I won't go into details as to why, but it's all just life stuff.
I am, on the other hand, very nervous about being home with Aiden today. The days he was home from school last week were horrible. I am tired and, as I said, empty to start. He leeches every bit of energy I have. Then I start feeling resentful that nobody helps me (as in my family).
So I am really hoping that going to bible study this morning will help me with my attitude and energy level.
MOPS also starts this week, and I am really looking forward to that.
Life is just so daily.

My pregnancy experience update

(Left:cloth diapers my friend Amy found me on
Craigs list. They are super cute, supposedly
very easy to use)
In a couple of days I will be starting the 3rd trimester of this, last ever, pregnancy. On one hand I am so ready for the end. I love the last 4 weeks when the anticipation builds. I also love having holiday babies, it makes it extra exciting.


On the other hand, I feel so unprepared. I'm afraid of having another fussy baby like Jack. I want to know what is going to happen with our housing situation and if Bryan is going to get a good raise. I want Aiden to finally get settled and get the extra help he needs at school. I am also a little sad to give up even more of my freedom and "me"time.

I have fears about how much weight I will have gained when this is over (selfish, I know). I have fears about not getting enough sleep, not having enough money, having too much stress, not having time with Bryan, how the kids are going to react, if she will be healthy, etc, on and on.


I know much of this is pregnancy related. It's that nesting feeling women get when they want EVERYTHING to be perfect and squared away BEFORE the baby is born (as if it is going to add some extra joy to the experience). Things that usually aren't that important suddenly seem critical.


I hit the 18lb mark today. I hate watching the scale go up after working so hard to make it go down. It must be necessary I guess. I have about 13 weeks to go and I only have 12 lbs before my goal weight (that I'm trying not to pass) to total a healthy 30lb weight gain. But I have a sneaking suspicion that all that lovely water weight that appears in the last few weeks is going to blow 10 lbs away.



So this blog obviously turned out to be mostly about where I am in this pregnancy (preparation H, poise pads, stool softeners, iron pills, and extra strength deodorant). I don't really talk/think about it all that often.



"Lord, help me to start to really bond with Lucy. I know I have been really ungrateful at times. Help me to enjoy this time with the boys, and make good use of the extra time I have on my own. Help me to trust that everything we need for our family will be provided in your perfect time."

Thank you Paul Newman for the amazing theater and salad dressing.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/obit_newman

No Milk

So I started to take Aiden off all dairy a few weeks ago when school started. He has been dairy free (except for a couple times when others gave him things he wasn't supposed to have) for about 2 weeks. Twice this week he has come home and told me names of kids in his class, and once he told me he has a "girlfriend". He also hasn't been taken out of class due to tantrums since last Thursday. A whole week with out going to the principal or intervention specialist because of the violent tantrums. That was very impressive to me.
And the strangest thing of all...
Last night he was having a really hard time, as he often does after long school days. He ended up throwing a massive fit (that started because of something having to do with hand washing). I had to physically take him out of the bathroom and put him in his room. He was screaming at me and yelling horrible things, as he often does, and reduced me to tears, as he often does. I left him for a few minutes and noticed that he quieted pretty quickly. When I went back in he looked at me with a sad face and said "I have something to tell you. I'm very sorry I was having a tantrum." And he started to cry. I held him and told him how proud daddy and I are of all his hard work at school and reminded him how much Jack loves him. He cried even harder! "What's wrong?" I asked him. "My heart is broken because I know I broke your heart so many times." he replied.
This may have been one of the most amazing moments of my life. He was showing real feelings of remorse and caring. "My heart isn't broken," I said,"my feelings were just hurt."
He cried for another 15 seconds before popping back up to go brush his teeth.

I don't even know what to say. It was an answered prayer. I actually feel differently toward him today. Maybe it's the milk. Maybe it was God. I don't know. Probably both.

Somebody say a little prayer for us today.

Note: if you haven't already, you must read my post from yesterday. I am still recovering from that one.

The Flasher

I knew this scenario was going to happen... somehow...someday, but I didn't really think it was going to be yesterday.
Aiden doesn't get social norms. I have taught him manners since he was in a high chair. I have always taught him modesty as well, especially recently. But it doesn't matter because quite honestly he only absorbs about 5% of what I say in general. And as I said, he doesn't understand social ques. Mostly because he doesn't really acknowledge the opinions, feelings, etc of other people.
Yesterday as I was waiting for his bus to bring him home, my cell phone rang. It was his lovely teacher calling to give me an update which is usually something unpleasant but not surprising. She informed me that at first recess Aiden dropped his pants and peed on the playground.

"Oh my Lord."

There are probably several confused kindergarten girls out there now. I was mortified. I confessed we have had this problem before,and have talked to him several times about
only going in the potty, and always keeping your clothes on when there are other people around. He peed in the front yard last week and got put in his room for the rest of the afternoon. So you can see the frustration we experience in trying to teach him rules and consequences.
She didn't push the issue any further and changed the subject to something else.

We have a meeting coming up on the 9th with several key people from the school and admin. to discuss Aiden's needs and to officially begin his evaluation. I'm sure this incident will be mentioned, although it was not necessary to convince his teacher and psychologist that special ed. services are needed.

On a happier note he has made progress in other areas. In just a couple of weeks he has learned to self correct in order to get himself to willingly line up with other kids and come in from recess. Also, in the past couple days he has mentioned several of his classmates by name. It's hard to explain why that's impressive, but you have to realize he is often only aware of himself, and although he is very social he doesn't know how to play with other kids (ie sharing, taking turns, conversing and not just goofy or potty talk)

"Lord, help me to make it through the day with a good attitude and not be worried about what is going to happen next. Thank you for blessing me with a good sense of humor. please continue to open doors in this journey with Aiden. There are times when I am really not sure what he needs. Please bring us unexpected joy today. Amen."

Lots going on around here

So far this week is going well. Aiden had only a normal amount of difficulty at school yesterday. No reports of biting or kicking. He had a big "super" sticker on when he got home and that was a sign to me that things went pretty well.

I am so excited because today is going to be a busy day (which is good because days with no school can be rough). We are going to venture out to the newly remodeled southcenter mall to do a little browsing and get some lunch. We are going with me mom. Everyone keep her in your prayers, because tomorrow she is traveling to her home town in Indiana to help her mother (my grandma) to move into a new retirement community. It isn't going to be easy and it has already generated a lot of stress. So hopefully today will be fun and enjoyable and not draining on her(as I fear).

Tonight I have an eye doctor appointment. Ia m so happy because I really need a new pair of glasses. I am hoping it only takes a couple days to get them because I am blind as a bat. The glasses I have now I have had for way too long and they are broken. I usually wear contacts, but I would love to have a nice pair of goggles so that I won't have to battle with the contacts every morning. I was very pleased to find out that my insurance is going to cover almost all the expense because I am going to the WalMart vision center. They aren't the trendiest, but I'm not going to pay out of pocket so that's good. If I had to spend my own money it would be getting put off.

So this is the last low key week for me before out fall/winter activities kick in. my MOPS group at Bethany is having their annual kick off night on Friday. We get together and play BUNCO, year before last I was the grand winner! It was just funny because i had never played BUNCO before that night. I am really looking forward to seeing all of my MOPS friends again. This year my mom has agreed to be a mentor mom for the orange table which is lead by Missy Hartley, who was at my table when I was red table leader last year. This year I am returning as "just a mom". I loved doing leadership, but there are way to many things going on in my life right now, like having another baby! I was so happy last night when I got a phone call from my new table leader, Sarah, who was my secret sister in leadership last year. I had been sneaking her treats and card all year last year and praying for her family. So I am really happy to be get the chance to know her even better.

Lady's Bible Study and MOPS both start next week. The following week both Aiden and I have doctor appointments. Only one more month and I will be at the Dr every 2 weeks, then every week! When I was writing some things in my day planner the other day I realized how close my due date is getting. I don't think about it that often.

So on the topic of pregnancy. I have am now about 26 weeks. I have gained 17 lbs, yay. Lucy is still wiggly, but now it is elbows and knees instead of the crazy rolling around I started to feel back at 17 weeks. I have been having scorching indigestion. I have stopped buying newborn and 3 months clothes. I only have a few more basic things I need before she gets here. My mom is planning on trowing a "sprinkle". I don't need a shower because I already have everything i need and this is my 4th baby!! But I need to formulate a list of girls that want to come. It is just going to be a celebration of this new arrival, sans gifts. I have told my mom that if any family/friends want to get us something to stick with target gift cards so I can use them to buy necessities like diapers and formula. So many of you will be getting invites in a few weeks, but I want to make it clear now this is not a "shower"! And I already have a really awesome theme picked out that I think everyone will love.

I know this was a really long post, but I haven't really blogged in a while. I am feeling much better this week now that Bryan is home. Pray for Aiden, he has a 3 day school week this week (a long week).

"Lord, thank you that each day is a new day, because of Your grace I don't have to live in the past. Please give my children peace today as we venture out. Continue to uplift and guide us. Amen."

Funny Ha-ha

Angie made this art with stickers (I wouldn't let her draw on me)

Jack found some of Angie's shoes, put them on, and wore them for a good 20 minutes.

Aiden, Jack and I are sick. It's just a cold, and it was inevitable. Being pregnant and sick really stinks. I usually take airborne and zicam and exercise a whole bunch to sweat it out. Now I can't do any of those things. Tylenol and sudafed don't do much, and breathing steam only helps for a few minutes.
So we're going to head to Wally World to get some meds and snacks, then we're going to be vegetables for the rest of the day.

I did want to say that I tried a new Sunday school class on Sunday. It was called Family Fellowship. They are just about to start a new study by Max Lucado about conquering your giants. From what I understand they do studies together and talk about how it applies to their family lives. Most everybody in the group was young with young kids. I'm pretty excited to go back and start the new study with them next week. The class meets at 11:11 downstairs in room 110. We still went to the 10:00 worship service we always go to.

Oh, also about church last week, the music was PHENOMENAL!! It was this local christian bluegrass band. They came last summer too. It's these young guys and they are so good. The music brought tears to my eyes, and if you know me you know that's pretty impressive!

One last thing; I haven't posted any recipes or food stories in a long time. I wanted everyone to know it's because a) we don't have a decent grill here at home b)I'm now officially way to pregnant and way to lazy. But when the weather gets cold I will probably have a few meals to talk about for the holidays or warm things from the oven and slow cooker.

"Lord, thank you for reminding me on sick days that it is okay to slow down and rest. Life gets so busy, and with small children I quickly fill our days with activities and plans. Help Aiden, Jack and I to feel better by the end of this restful day today. Amen."

Once was lost...

Amidst all the obvious stress I have been under the past couple weeks there have also been some very serious things that were bothering me that I just didn't want to discuss.
I'm going to share one of them just because it has now been resolved.
First, you must understand what things were like when we moved in here a couple months ago. I was very very sick. I was spending all day and all night in the bathroom. Honestly I don't know how I got by with the kids during the day. Also, because I was so sick I didn't do the actual packing and moving. It was mostly up to a couple of Bryan's good friends.
There was however one box of my most important things that I packed and left in the "to the house" (not the storage or goodwill) pile.
The first things I noticed I never received were my Tapps Island Garage sale passes and my favorite sunglasses. Then some papers I needed to get my lab work done. Despite how sick I was when I packed them I did recall packing these things in a box together.
Then the real storm hit in the middle of the night a couple weeks ago. I sat up straight in bed when I realized... Nolan's baby pictures, memory box, and ashes were also m.i.a.
I woke Bryan up to ask him where Nolan's things were. "Aren't they at your mom and dads?"
was his groggy response before rolling over and going back to sleep.
So the next day I called my mom and vaguely asked if any of Nolan's stuff was there. I knew she would probably give me a pretty harsh speech if she knew I couldn't find his ashes. She had no idea where his stuff was.
I went to the storage the next day. It was a fruitless search. Being five months pregnant at the time I really wasn't able to look very thoroughly.
So yesterday, finally, Bryan had time to go out to the storage and do some real looking. At this point I was very nervous because so many boxes had been given to goodwill or thrown away.
When Bryan emerged with the box containing: my sunglasses, Dr papers, Nolan's photo album, memory box, and the ashes; my whole world took a breath.
His things are irreplaceable. The guilt I had been carrying for not knowing where these things are (which I usually keep in plain view to see every day) was so heavy. The only peace I could find while I didn't know where these things were was that they were only earthly possessions, and that the real treasure is already waiting for me in heaven. I only had to "loose" him once. Now he can't be lost.

"Praise I found what I was looking for!"

Candy Stash

Yesterday was Aiden's third day at school. When he got home he had tantrums the whole evening. Apparently he was sent to the Principal's office for eating all the teacher's candy stash. What did they expect? I've tried explaining certain things to them about the way he is, and that "consequences" aren't going to help. So I am feeling really frustrated. When and why was he alone enough to do something like that? What are they thinking sending him to the principal? He seriously needs therapy, none of this is going to change. I hope they are seeing it. It's not that I don't think he should receive consequences, but he doesn't understand other people so it's not going to help. He would do it again today if he found the candy again. He doesn't he understand or care how things effect other people. He loves people but doesn't relate to them properly.
The tantrumming had nothing to do with the candy incident. He was just spent. All his energy all day in behaving like other kids, he was so over stimulated. He spent about 20 minutes in the bath, then he was okay long enough to eat dinner, but each step before bedtime was a struggle.
I don't know if I'm supposed to be talking with someone at the school about this? Should I at least be keeping some kind of journal of his behavior and activities at home, so that I can use it later?
Anyway, it's not really that big of a deal, I guess. They need to see what he's like in order to understand that he needs more than just a regular classroom setting. But that will all come in time.

On a brighter note, Bryan and I are going out on a "date" tonight. I'm excited to get out with out the kiddies and do something fun. We talked about seeing a movie and having dinner, but I think I am going to try and convince him to take me miniature golfing or something cliche like that.

Just keep our family in your prayers. We are going through a lot right now (some of which I don't really care to disclose). Difficulty has been coming at us from every direction for a while. That's just life on earth.

"Lord, please provide patience for me today while I am home with the kids. Help Aiden to have peace and calmness through his wired little body. Please provide wisdom for his teachers at school, and open the right doors. Keep the rest of my family close to you as well. Amen."

This may be the brake I needed

This week has really flown by! Aiden has school again today, and successfully road the bus yesterday. He really likes the bus.
Bryan is home again this morning, which I would be really happy about, but he's watching "Top Gun" right now, so I kinda wish he would leave. Ha ha.
I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself with a whole day with out Aiden today. Wednesdays are late starts so he was only gone part of the day yesterday.
What am I going to do?
I may try to go get a hair cut, although I have Jack with me. Bryan and I are going on a "date" tomorrow night so I am going to attempt to look nice (as nice as I can at 6 months pregnant). We haven't decided where we're going but I think it will include the new Coen Bros movie, which I believe premiers tomorrow.

"Lord, thank you for the reprieve. Please bless this day with relaxation and enjoyment. Amen."

New Hats! (maybe I should learn to make socks)

Ahh. What a nice morning. Bryan doesn't have to be at work until 10!
Aiden should be back in school tomorrow. Now I have been told we will keep him on the same schedule, and they may get some extra help for him at school. Mostly for getting on an off the bus, and probably other out of the classroom transitions like recess.

I promised myself I wouldn't spend my whole blog today venting about Aiden so I am going to talk about something else today. I will probably use Friday's blog to talk about all his updates for the week.

So I have posted pics of a couple of new baby hats I made, modeled by Charlie Brown.

I have no idea what I'm going to do today. I'm completely unmotivated.

What's working and what's not

Monday has returned to show it's ugly face. Friday afternoon, after talking to the school psychologist, we decided to switch Aiden to the Tuesday /Friday kindergarten schedule (although I suspect after he has a formal evaluation he will have to be in full time). The main reason is transportation. if you read my last blog you probably already realize we had a hard time getting Aiden to leave the school last week. I physically couldn't handle him. We are quite sure he needs a special needs bus, but until he is official we can't get that. So we switched his schedule so he can ride the preschool bus.
So Aiden is home today. He should be going back tomorrow.

On a lighter subject. I went to Wal Mart at 8 on Saturday morning on a mission. I read in one of my books, "Raising Your Spirited Child", that Aiden may be in need of some sensory activities at home to help avoid some of the tantrums. I got online and found on MaryPoppins.com a whole list of sensory activities you can do at home. So I am sure I looked really weird with a cart full of Rubbermaid bins, smelly lotions, rice, and natural cleaning products. I have been introducing new activities one at a time, and only when I can tell he is hard time feeling satisfied (he starts making really weird noises and invading others personal space). His favorite is "Cleaning the Kitchen". He has his own spray bottle and rags, and a swiffer. He cleans sporadically through the day, but mostly after each meal.
Another trick to stopping the tantrums (which apparently works for most all kids, even if they don't have a spectrum disorder) is putting him in a nice warm bath. I got him some new funnels and squeeze bottles for the tub. He sits in there for about 30 minutes. It really works. He can be completely haywire when he goes in and he comes out much calmer (as opposed to trying to get him into time out, which tends to infuriate him).
I will continue to post his new activities as we do them. I have a Rubbermaid bin in the laundry room full of activities on stand by, and I am going to try to space them out.

Now, I have to vent for a little moment (but not about Aiden). I now have a pretty good collection of baby stuff going, a friend gave me bunch of her daughters adorable clothes on Saturday night. I have a swing, a bouncy seat, a cute portable bed, tons of sweet clothes. BUT... I have no where to put them. We have maxed out our living space, and all of Lucy's (and most of the boys) things are in storage, stuffed in closets or in my parents attic. I have been telling myself that I am going to have a grateful attitude and not complain about our current living situation, but it seems pregnancy/selfishness has gotten the better of me. We have plans for what we are going to do and when we are going to move, and I think it is all going to work out well, but as with most things it requires patience and therefore contentment in the meantime. (((sigh)))

"Lord, bless this week with all kinds of joy we don't even see coming. Open doors, and light our path. Please give me contentment as I am waiting patiently for so many things. Please continue to touch Aiden and calm his restlessness. Give wisdom in all decisions. Thank you for this season in life, I'm learning so much. Right when I think you have shaped me into something, you continue to add and change my form. I don't know what I am going to be, but I think it must be really unique. Thank you. Amen."

On a side note, check out Sarahs most recent blog post, I really enjoyed it. http://tuesdaymachine.blogspot.com/2008/09/autism-fact-sheet.html

Aiden's First Day of K

Okay, I'm way too much of a realist to sugar coat this blog for everyone. I would rather tell the truth, thus creating a way for someone else to learn/benefit from my experience.
I dropped Aiden off at his new classroom yesterday morning. I new he was going to enjoy himself and he wasn't sad to see me leave. He loves being around people, although he doesn't understand most social norms or understand how to interact appropriately. So there was no problem with the drop off.
I enjoyed a long kid free day, while Jack went for a day with my mom. I had a lot to get done, but it was all with out the struggles I usually endure in a normal day.
Oh, and I had a Dr appointment, everything went fine. I liked the number on their scale better than the one at home (I think Cindy's scale is rigged).
At 3:40 I was at the school waiting with all the other first time kindergartner's mommies and daddies out front. Aiden's class come out in a squiggly line. Many kiddies went running with backpacks bouncing and papers flying to greet their proud mommies.
Aiden screamed. He threw his hands in the air when he saw me. I don't mean in a good happy way. I kind of new it was going to be this way, but I hoped it wouldn't. I had to extract him from his teacher, kicking and crying. "I think he wants to go on the bus" she told me with a look of pity on her face. "He did well today, and the only tantrums were in transitions, just like we predicted, but in the classroom he was pretty good" I knew this was good news but all the other children were being so "normal" that I couldn't feel happy.
It took about 15 minutes to get him in the truck. He was lying on the ground in the middle of the parking lot (in front of the "normal" kids and their parents) behaving like a rabid animal. I was really lucky I was able to get him to the truck without help.
I should start wearing ear plugs when I have to do things like this. It would protect my ear drums from the shrieking, and I wouldn't have to hear all the comments being hurled.
So I didn't want to talk to anybody for the rest of the evening. We got home around 4, and then it was time for the dinner and bedtime routines. He was really off the rest of the day, very noisy and wired.
I know, I should feel nothing but grateful for the help I am receiving and the quiet day yesterday. But you have to understand that I am grieving. I am morning the loss of a "normal" child and all the experiences that I am missing out on along the way. There will be a different kind of joy from reaching other milestones, but it can't replace what I am loosing. There was no "Mommy! Look what I made! I did so much today..."
I was really looking forward to sharing this day with him, but nobody imagines their baby's first day of school this way.

"Lord, bless the poor in spirit today. I have so much to do and no energy to do it with. Please give me joy, help me to choose happiness today. All the difficulties are just part of life. Remind me that you have given me freedom from these burdens. You have blessed me in so many ways that the world can't provide. Amen."

Kindergarten

At 9:20 today Aiden will start a new adventure. I wasn't sure if it was going to happen this week. I chose not to worry. God put all the pieces together for me yesterday. Sometimes it works that way and sometimes it doesn't.

He's going to have so much fun.

I made a hat!!

I actually made this! Can you believe it! I made something!!! I love to paint and draw, but I don't really get into the crafty things. Well, now I think I am making something for everyone in my family for Christmas. I am working on some socks/footies. The pattern is really cute, but it is turning out to be really hard for a klutz like me.

I survived yesterday. (Obviously) I am maybe getting somewhere with the school situation. I have some more calls to make today. It looks like we are going to bypass the school we are supposed to be in because he is on an overflow list. Also the principal at the school hasn't even been returning the calls from myself or the admin. office. The school we will probably be in is called Liberty Ridge Elem., and my mom used to be a para-educator there with the special needs kids. She said it has a really good set up. We also really need to push for full time K. I thought the part time schedule would be okay, but yesterday Aiden demonstrated exactly what a nightmare that could be. I'm not going in to details, but lets just say he was screaming, wouldn't put his clothes or shoes on, or get in the truck, and he was screaming with his fingers in his ears for quite a while. This was all because he had to go with me over to the school. He was a hot mess, I can't even do it justice with a full description. But to my credit he didn't withhold too much while we were at the admin building.

I know this blog is getting kinda longish already, but I also wanted to do a little pregnancy update. I feel like Lucy Clover hasn't been making to many headlines lately with everything else going on. So I think I am over 5 months now. I feel so big, I don't remember feeling this pregnant and uncomfortable with Jack. Each one is different I guess. It probably has something to do with how differently I am carrying this time.

I still have little contractions from time to time. I just try to take it easy, but it's really hard with these guys around.

I have quite a bit of newborn girls clothes now. I am planning on buying a new boppy cover, hooter hider, and peanut shell soon. I have almost $30 in rewards from my stamp cards at sugar babies saved up so I will have to go shopping soon. I have also been trading boy clothes for girl clothes at once upon a child. So I'm trying to get used to buying pink but it's been weird.

Aiden has a mouth full of bubble gum in that picture by the way.

I am choosing to let the list of things today give me positive stress in order to have energy to complete all that needs to be done. I probably could be really freaked out right now, but the truth is that I can only do what I can do and the rest is out of my hands. Aiden's meet the teacher day is supposed to be today, but he isn't on the list for registered students because the school is full. I have been told I might have to wait a few days to see if he is going to get fit into McAlder Elem. or get re-routed somewhere else. The first day of K is actually Thursday in Sumner Dist. So, there are a lot of things that need to be worked out this week. most of them are quite out of my hands. My job is really to be the squeaky wheel. There is a person working for the schools who is supposed to be helping me get this all straitened out and get Aiden in for some evaluations, but he seems to be putting the whole thing off as long as possible.
So, added to the challenge of trying to be positive, productive and not worry, I feel like I was really attacked in my week spot yesterday. Sometimes I think the devil uses the words of other people to try to distract us and bring us down when we are on a mission. This happened to me in a very painful way yesterday, and I was a mess last night. But God has renewed my strength this morning and I have regained what I needed for each step so far. Thank goodness for cappuccino makers. My hope comes in the morning.
So today is going to be a challenge, but it's going to be okay. This too shall pass.

"Lord, thank you for hope. Thank you for each oasis along this dry dry journey. Please open doors today. Please close the mouths of those who are not speaking words that come from you. I am very week and on empty today, but I know that you are greater than me, and you have already gone ahead in this day. Amen."